I just want to take a minute to apologize. So let me just begin...
I am sorry I sat with you in the hospital over night and worried about you for months.
I am sorry I bought you so many awesome games and that you have no friends to play them with now, I am also sorry you'll be taking them.
I am sorry that you have terrible mood swings and truly are the worlds biggest bitch.
I truly am sorry for all those times I cleaned up after you and didn't see that you were thanking me not with a simple thank you you or wow this place looks great but by spilling everything you could find on to every single place in our apartment. Oh yes and especially when you kicked my broom over right after I cleaned.
I am sorry that I for over a year and a half provided you with comfy furniture a tv and everything you'd need to cook.
Oh gosh and I am really sorry that I didn't have ice cube trays for the first couple weeks of us living together. I know when your friends came over for carabolus you were upset that you had no ice for them. I know it's hard to find a dollar and eight cents to buy some yourself.
I am really sorry for all those times you wanted intense awkwardness in our apartment especially between us and I tried to fix the situation.
I am sorry for all those times I baked delicious treats and then said nothing when you ate them all I did not even get one.
I truly am sorry that I never said anything when you brought in that hideous Asian decor or when you fucked a bumble bee and her clothes were flung all over the apartment.
I am sorry for all those months I paid the entire electric bill.
I now know how much you hated departing with your trash so I am terribly sorry that i constantly took it out.
Oh and I am sorry for not loving the constant smell of dirty grease in my apartment although I have to say it was just so much fun cleaning the constant grease off of every appliance.
I am sorry that I got upset when the one boundary I had with you was that you not let people in my room and then you let a drunk slut find her way in there and touch every single thing I own. I am sorry for not getting mad at you but instead having an adult conversation. I know this really upset you and I think that part that upset you the most was that I was not thankful for your little stranger slut raiding my room once again I am truly sorry.
While I am saying sorry I also want to say thank you...
Thank you for that time you spilt grenadine on every single wall, cabinet, appliances, and even my furniture. Thank you for not cleaning it up and leaving it to me to clean for over a month. Heck, every once in awhile I still find stuff covered in pink. it truly was the gift that kept giving.
and thank you for the array of sluts you have brought in to this apartment some of my favs were the freshmen sluts oh yes and the ones that came over and smashes glitter crayons in to our kitchen floor.
Oh and thank you for the men you brought here also. They were all so amazing with their wine spilling their lack of knowledge for football and their sucking you off. It's been a real hoot.
I could go on longer and apologize forever because as you can all tell I've done some real terrible things and my thank yous could be endless but I leave you with this last sorry dear roommate.
I am sorry I ever met you and that you turned out to be such a large piece of shit. I am sorry you spend you life in your 10 by 10 room killing animated versions of me. I am so truly sorry I've been the best roommate to you I and anyone knows how to be. Sorry.