Thursday, May 29, 2008

An Apology To You Dear Roommate.

Dear Roommate,
I just want to take a minute to apologize. So let me just begin...
I am sorry I sat with you in the hospital over night and worried about you for months.
I am sorry I bought you so many awesome games and that you have no friends to play them with now, I am also sorry you'll be taking them.
I am sorry that you have terrible mood swings and truly are the worlds biggest bitch.
I truly am sorry for all those times I cleaned up after you and didn't see that you were thanking me not with a simple thank you you or wow this place looks great but by spilling everything you could find on to every single place in our apartment. Oh yes and especially when you kicked my broom over right after I cleaned.
I am sorry that I for over a year and a half provided you with comfy furniture a tv and everything you'd need to cook.
Oh gosh and I am really sorry that I didn't have ice cube trays for the first couple weeks of us living together. I know when your friends came over for carabolus you were upset that you had no ice for them. I know it's hard to find a dollar and eight cents to buy some yourself.
I am really sorry for all those times you wanted intense awkwardness in our apartment especially between us and I tried to fix the situation.
I am sorry for all those times I baked delicious treats and then said nothing when you ate them all I did not even get one.
I truly am sorry that I never said anything when you brought in that hideous Asian decor or when you fucked a bumble bee and her clothes were flung all over the apartment.
I am sorry for all those months I paid the entire electric bill.
I now know how much you hated departing with your trash so I am terribly sorry that i constantly took it out.
Oh and I am sorry for not loving the constant smell of dirty grease in my apartment although I have to say it was just so much fun cleaning the constant grease off of every appliance.
I am sorry that I got upset when the one boundary I had with you was that you not let people in my room and then you let a drunk slut find her way in there and touch every single thing I own. I am sorry for not getting mad at you but instead having an adult conversation. I know this really upset you and I think that part that upset you the most was that I was not thankful for your little stranger slut raiding my room once again I am truly sorry.
While I am saying sorry I also want to say thank you...
Thank you for that time you spilt grenadine on every single wall, cabinet, appliances, and even my furniture. Thank you for not cleaning it up and leaving it to me to clean for over a month. Heck, every once in awhile I still find stuff covered in pink. it truly was the gift that kept giving.
and thank you for the array of sluts you have brought in to this apartment some of my favs were the freshmen sluts oh yes and the ones that came over and smashes glitter crayons in to our kitchen floor.
Oh and thank you for the men you brought here also. They were all so amazing with their wine spilling their lack of knowledge for football and their sucking you off. It's been a real hoot.

I could go on longer and apologize forever because as you can all tell I've done some real terrible things and my thank yous could be endless but I leave you with this last sorry dear roommate.

I am sorry I ever met you and that you turned out to be such a large piece of shit. I am sorry you spend you life in your 10 by 10 room killing animated versions of me. I am so truly sorry I've been the best roommate to you I and anyone knows how to be. Sorry.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Garbage Wars

Over six weeks this garbage war went on. I have to warn you it gets really ugly towards the end. For the record the reason I did not take out this garbage is because we separate our garbage and I was sick of taking out his trash.

This was towards the beginning of the battle. The plate next to it is one of my dishes he broke and later threw it across the room. This is maybe two weeks in to the battle.
Ugh just a close up of some of the nasty shit he eats and what was liquefying.
After awhile he ran out of room in the garbage that was literally bursting at the seams and just started throwing it next to the bag.
So I finally tied the way over stuffed bag closed and then bagged his trash that was covering the floor and set it in front of his door. He came home and placed it back in the kitchen. I saw this and placed it in front of his door again. He kicked it over and later placed it back in the kitchen.(week 6)
After weeks of this garbage I realized that I would have to resort to not typical tactics and then it hit me that public humiliation might help me win the very long smelly battle. So to play fair I made this darling sign (purple is where I blurred his name out.) and left the bag inside the apartment so he would have time to take it out. After giving him ample time to take it out I sat the bag outside our front door.( I lost the pictures of the bag sitting on the front stoop sorry!)

That evening when he came home he grabbed my sign and went to his room and tore it up. He quickly came out of his room flung the front door open and placed this sign on the garbage. So the bag that once had his name on it now had this sign on it. Not only does this prove how insecure and immature he is but also proves what an idiot he is. He should of put my name on it at least. I quickly took his sign down because he had already offended my friend and I was worried he had offended our neighbors. I then re made my sign and set it on the bag and left. Later that night when I got home he had brought the garbage in and took the sign.

The following day he took his trash out. It wasn't a smooth war and I feel that in the end I suffered through six plus weeks of disgustingly smelly trash and when he finally took the trash out that second bag was left behind filling up quickly and it looks to me as if there will be another long battle ahead. The evening before he took his trash out he threw butter and a knife across the kitchen destroying the freshly cleaned counters.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Cupcake Story Time

Gosh I finally beat technologies bum. So it only took me two weeks 3 different computers once of which I had to take apart to get you these pictures.
So here goes... I was in the mood for German chocolate cupcakes and when I was finished I chose a nice cupcake frosted it nicely and knocked on my roommates door. There was silence. (for the record I was doing this to get a laugh not to resolve any issues. I have not gone soft.) Trying to contain my laughter I said in to his door would you like a cupcake. Now in case he thought I did something to them I was going to allow him to pick and even eat a cupcake to show him they were not contaminated. Still no response, I continued on asking him if he;d like me to leave the cupcake at his door yes? no? maybe so? At the point I was beginning to laugh and I said ok here's the deal I will leave the cupcake on the table if you want it awesome if not awesome.

I sat the cupcake on the table and left with my friend. When we arrived back he was gone and I took the time to kick a large box of his that had been in our apartment for over six months over. The box landed in front of the door. As we heard him ride up my friend flipped out and yelled I HAVE TO MOVE THE BOX. She sprang up ran to the box and tried to move it before he made it up the stairs. This of course sent us in to hysteria as she quickly tried to shove the paper in to the box. She quickly ran back to the couch and we were bent over crying with laughter when he walked in.

After awhile my friend looked at me and said what if he would of tripped over the box. We began to laugh hard once again and I said well he should of ate the cupcake. At this point we decided to leave. I had to run up to my apartment a little while after we left and I noticed that he had thrown my cookie sheet across the stove. I was annoyed and once again in need of a laugh so I chucked the cookie sheet at his door. My friend ran out the door in a blink of an eye. I hung back laughing and than left.

Later that evening I noticed that the cookie sheet had been moved to the table where the cupcake was. I was weirded out by this. Where was the cupcake? Why had he moved the pan? The more I thought about the more I began to think the pan was sitting a little strange on the table. I walked over to the pan and sure enough he had taken then cookie sheet and with all his might squashed the cupcake. I could not contain my laughter.

The cookie sheet with cupcake was moved for lighting reasons. If you are wondering yes the pan and cupcake are still sitting on the table.
This is the large box that I kicked and that has been living in my hall closet for months. Although now it's moved to the living room.

Monday, May 19, 2008


Alright so I think it's time for you guys to share a story. Leave a great one in the comments. If you have more than one I will do these often so you can hold on to it or share until your heart explodes. I am so excited to read your guys stories.

Please remember to keep it anonymous!!

Sunday, May 18, 2008

It's Not A Real Fight Until Lawsuits Are Threatened

Some of you have heard this story at least ten times but does it get old?

I found out from my apartment managers that my roommate had been in the office telling them that my dog was coming to live with me. This was an attempt to get me evicted from the apartment. So later when he walked in I said "name" I talked to "apt. Mang" and he gave a frightened yeah... I then said my dog is coming for a day, you will not even be here most likely. Do you Understand? He said yes. Then turning to my friend he said "friend" do you want to move in here? She does not handle conflict well so I said no she doesn't. He stormed out of the apartment a few minutes later.
Earlier in the day I also had heard he was trying to sublease. I had a good laugh because his thought process of finding someone to sublease was pretty redonk. So of course he came back five minutes after leaving because when you have no friends and no place to go how do you waste time? So he slammed his way in to his room and I am sure the bathroom a few times. During his entrance "friend" was telling me a story. Roommate was hanging out in the kitchen not really doing anything just standing. So when she finished her story he turned and walked towards the living room and said:
So if I find someone to sublease will you sign off on it.
I chuckled and said yes if I like them of course I will.
At this point I was like... were you raised with not one social skill? So I replied When asking someone to do you a favor it is best not to insult them.
He scuffed and replied it'd be easier for you.
Easier for me?! What would be easier? Living with someone I did not know? Living with someone new i hated?
It will just be easier. You'll have to go to court if you do not.
I have to go to court? To do what testify against you? Tell them that you live in a great community with great managers?
At this point my friend said No he's suing you I think. Oh did this get me going. Through laughter I said you're going to to SUE me?
He replied I don't want to live with crazy bitches anymore.
I then relied I am crazy you are the one who has a fucking fan fetish. You are mentally ill man. I was laughing to hard at this point and then made sure to loudly call every one I could and mock his lawsuit threats.
A few day later when he walked in to the apartment I asked him how his roommate search was going. In a threatening way he said OH I am not moving anymore. I began to laugh and said there's a SHOCKER.

A side note to why I was called a crazy bitch. After months of dealing with his fan fetish and trying every way possible to handle the situation I was very stressed out and could not sleep because once again he had gotten out of bed just to turn the fan on. Well anytime I have to get out of bed for something it's not going to be pretty and so I picked up one of my very heavy shoes and with a gorgeous pitch I sent the shoe in to his door dead on. I then shut the fan off and as I was grabbing my shoe I made it clear to him my hatred. It went something like I really fucking hate you and I wish you'd fucking die. I am so fucking sick of you. Haha maybe this makes me a crazed bitch but I'd say more stressed out and annoyed.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Computers and Revenge are tricky!

So I was hoping to have pictures for this post but technology has gotten the best of me. No worries though I will do a picture blog soon. However, I am dying to tell this cupcake story but it will wait until I can show you the pictures.

But on a different note this morning I slept through 4 alarm clocks! Goodness I was tired. I was thankfully woken up by my roommate throwing a tempter tantrum. He stood at his door and opened and slammed it at least six times in a row. Ok this is the part where I say what I did to lead up to this point but honestly I was sound asleep in my room. For over an hour my roommate stormed around the apartment slamming doors.

The bright side of the situation was that in his attempt to piss me off he actually made me smile and thank him because I would of missed my class and not have been able to finish my homework. Haha of course the thanks was a silent mental one.


Alright because I know my roommate is a creep as is his family I am going to try and keep this anonymous. So hopefully you guys do the same. I feel so weird I am blogging. haha me a blogger who wuda thunk it?
So this blog will be about all the wonderful times I have with my roommate up until august 30th. I wish I would of started this earlier because we have def missed out on some gold mine stories. I will prob post everyday haha maybe more than once you never know. Sometimes there will be pictures but i can promise you they will disgusted you. Of only i could some how trap the smell that my roommate creates and share it with you. It's terrible.
I really hope that my blog will make people laugh and also give them a chance to share their stories. I hope we keep this blog fun and light but I know sometimes it feels amazing to just bitch. So this is you safe spot to do as you please!!
To answer some common questions:
Q: Why don't you move out?
A: My roommate and I are contracted in to our own bedrooms and I can not break the lease and it is too late in the year to try and sub lease.
Q: Why did you move in with this guy?
A: When I first met him he was a completely different person. Throughout the years he has really changed.
Q: how long have you lived together?
A: We're going on our second year, I've known him for three.
Q: Are you sexually attracted to your roommate/Have you done anything together?
A: Heck no! He was once a brother to me and there is no sexual attraction at all!
Alright so just remember leave names out of comments even if it's your own or your roommates.